EVEL VS EVIL

EVEL KNIEVEL

VS

EVIL CLOWN

One of the greatest heroes of my childhood is the legendary, Evel Knievel. A daredevil and entertainer extraordinaire, he has lived and eventually died the life of a true "Warrior". He has been resurrected once again for a face-off against a person of notorious fame, the Boss.. no wait I mean the Evil Clown. I was inspired to put them head to head in a battle of Honor, Ability, and Sexiness (I can't believe I used that last word, but we must stick). So without further ado let's begin the Battle.

Honor: In the 1970's Evel Knievel was jumping over anything that you could line up between two 75 foot ramps. Cars, trucks, buses even a tank full of sharks. Evel would race up the ramp at speeds up to 80 miles an hour and soar his Harley Davidson XR-750 over the tops of wrecked vehicles and usually he'd have a van or some other high profiled object at the very end. Imagine jumping over your truck and trailer with, oh lets say, a 17 H.P Bobcat 48" Commercial Walkbehind Mower. YOW!! As for the "Evil Clown"  he is polishing the boots of his superiors and anyone who would be stupid enough to to be his friend. Clowns in general are about colored hair wigs, make-up, and outlandish costume ideas which evolve to promote their actions to an audience (anybody stupid enough to listen). Evel Knievel wins in this area because he had the "Stones" to follow through with his actions, not just words. He told his fans, "when you give your word to somebody that you're going to do something you've gotta do it" and then proved it to them repeatedly. I'm so sick of empty words, promises and bullshit. 

Ability: Ability is a tough one since both Evil clown and Evel were both considered entertainers, but since we are kinda dancing around the undertone of another topic, the differences are clear. Evel was a man of many quotes and sayings, one of my favorites is the "Gladiator"."I am the last gladiator in the new Rome I go into the arena and compete against destruction and I win and next week, I go out there and do it again, civilization being what it is and all...we have very little choice about our life the only thing really left to us is a choice about our death and mine will be glorious". Evil Clown, well let's start with the fact that John Wayne Gacy was a clown (Pogo the Clown) and also a mass murderer. It the Clown (Stephen King) was a very bad clown indeed. I have to add that the fear of clowns, (coulrophobia) is a deeply rooted fear that most of us recall from childhood. The true character of a clown by definition is that clowns are actually characters of authority. They are often serious, all knowing (even if they aren't particularly smart), bossy, and cocky. The evil clown is the ultimate authority type figure; he serves the role of the "Straight man" and sets up a situation that can be turned funny. Imagine a clown as your boss coming up with ridiculous reasons to keep you busy or bust your balls just because they can. 

Evil Clown (slappy clown voice): Hey you! Yeah you! Do know how many branches are on this tree? 

Crew leader: Uh.. thirty?

Evil Clown: No! A gazillion and I want  half of them removed before you go home.

I've got to give this one to the Evil Clown in the "Ability" category; since the evil clown which I'm referring to really has the ability to piss everyone off.

Sexiness: O.K, now its tied 1 to 1 and my last category is "Sexiness". I know it seems wrong but trust me on this. I don't mean sexy as in what most people think of as sexy but sexy as in "Nice Jumpsuit". Also, as in wit, just one more Evel quote and its gotta be this one "You can come to a point in your life when you really don't care what people think about you, you just care what you think about yourself." Now I can relate to this. Evil Clown just spews out what he knows and only what he thinks he knows, even if he acts like your buddy trust me he isn't. He is part of an organization that thinks you have too many peanuts in your bag as it is, while building their own circus with bigger and prettier toys while you toil and work your ass off. Evel wins this one because he related himself to the working man and for that one moment while he jumped my hands were on the handle bars and I was jumping right along side with him. For a split second I was a daredevil; how I wanted that jumpsuit. And the winner is.... EVEL KNIEVEL!!!  Thank you for shrinking your nuts in this awful lousy humidity and scorching heat, in two days they owe us. The Serial Landscaper.